When talking about building good relationships we seldom talk about those times when we have to be critical or offer challenging feedback. As a Vice Principal I learned this from my Principal. He always said to me,
“If you aren’t willing to go to the hard places,
then you aren’t helping your staff or your school.”
I think sometimes there is a perception that ‘for the sake of a relationship, I’ll let this slide’… with ‘this’ being anything that is less than satisfactory or maybe ‘meeting expectations’ but not going beyond that (when we know it could).
‘Good enough’ is not good enough!
If we truly want our team to improve, then we need to make sure that we start with having high expectations for ourselves and for all of our team members. We do no one a favour if we lower our expectations because we are concerned that our feedback is critical and may thus hurt our relationship.
When we avoid giving critical feedback, are we being helpful?
Being critical doesn’t mean being unkind, or being negative, it means being decisive and/or focussed on producing positive outcomes. Our relationships with our team can be strengthened by critical feedback. If we show that we are coming from a place of caring, then critical feedback can be very powerful and beneficial to everyone.
I think there are times that we need to realize the difference between being a leader and being a cheerleader. We don’t help our team if we cheer for them, when we should be coaching them.
Our coaching style can still foster a good relationship, but if we aren’t critical about our team improving… If we aren’t willing to ‘go to the hard places’ to make sure our team members improve in areas where we see them struggle, then all the cheerleading in the world won’t make our team better.
We need honest feedback to help us grow!
Good relationships have to include knowing how to cope well with giving and receiving difficult feedback, honestly and sincerely, rather than avoiding it. That said, it’s also a leaders job to be the cheerleader too! We have to see the positives, and take time to highlight and cherish them. But very often true growth and learning opportunities are hidden in places that are hard to go to.
As a leader if we don’t have relationships where we can go to the hard places, then we aren’t being the best leaders we can be.
*Cross-posted on Connected Principals… it was inspired there by Bill Carozza !
Well stated. Part of having the ability to go to those hard places is the humility that must be involved. Furthermore it needs to be on both sides. Your comments about being focused on the outcomes are relevant and probably too often overlooked. Keeping the outcome in mind certainly allows for the feedback to come from that “place of caring”. Thanks so much for sharing.
I’m going to start off my next class on peer-editing with your post, as it mirrors the same message we discuss in class. My gr. 8’s, who’ve been through a year of peer-editing with me, understand the value of honest feedback, going to the ‘hard place’and therefore give feedback in a respectful manner. My new gr. 7’s are still reluctant to go there, for fear of offending.
Last week, when we had this discussion again, I asked, “How valuable, or fair is it, for the student who gets feedback from an honest peer-editor, vs. the one whose peer-editor is afraid, worried about offending?”
The gr. 7/8 students will love the sports analogy of cheerleader vs. coach.
Great post!
Great point about the value of humility in the process Rob.
Heather, I LOVE that you are sharing this with students! Please let me know if I should edit anything, there are a couple places that I think my writing could use some help. 🙂 Peer editing is a difficult but valuable task, and it is a great example of where being critical can be very meaningful and beneficial.
David, these points are so important, yet so hard for us as leaders to embrace. Especially as a new administrator, it is difficult to go to these hard places, even though that when we do, great things can result! I will think of your words this week as I work to get through some tricky situations!!
“If we truly want our team to improve, then we need to make sure that we start with having high expectations for ourselves and for all of our team members.”
Team members need to see the leader expecting no more, or less of himself/herself than he/she expects of others. And if successes are authentically celebrated, the caring will shine through.
Really thought provoking blog post. It’s interesting how some of the most important facets of leadership are not those that immediately come to mind. But without the important skills you’ve outlined above, noone could hope to be a great leader.
You are so right about having to ‘go to the hard places’. I learnt that early in my headship. When I moved schools I tried to make a ‘praise sandwich’ from the beginning so that staff always knew that there would be an area for development. It made it easier when those areas were more tricky both for me delivering them & for staff receiving.